Top 10 "Survival useful tips"

Top 10 "Survival useful tips"

1. Match yourselves in the sky. If the sky is covered with clouds, then soon the morning. If it is covered with asphalt, then the sky is on the other side. If the sky is white - maybe you're already at home. If tiled - in the sobering-up station. If it's a stone's throw to the sky and it's wooden, it's a very bad sign.

2. Study the location of the moon carefully. If the moon and stars are located on street flags - this is a foreign country. If the flags of the building are the embassy. If the moon is in the sky, but there are two of them - either you are on another planet, or you have to sleep, and everything will pass.

Anecdotes about the apocalypse

Anecdotes about the apocalypse

- What will be the end of the world?

- Above the world will be heard the music of the completion of Windows. And everything will disappear.

My cat, sensing the imminent end of the world, sleeps all day in a panic.

- The man in the bunker has prepared 2 tons of toilet paper. Apparently a dirty ass for him is a much more terrible thing than a lack of food.

Enough to scare everyone at the end of the world! It's not scary to anyone.

Better scare everyone by the end of the Internet.

- What will you do if there comes a nuclear winter?

- I'm going to play snowballs.

- NUCLEAR !!!

- TENTACLES !!!

After numerous false prophecies about the coming Apocalypse that have become a tradition, it remains only to declare the End of the World a national holiday and celebrate it every year.

I think the real end of the world will be like this - with beer and cameras: by the time the seventh angel sounds, the first six records will be posted on Youtube.

There are two men, one asks:

- What will you do if you find out that tomorrow the end of the world will come?

- Yes, I'll just start fucking everything that moves !!! What are you going to do?

"I'll try not to move!"

Anecdotes about lions

Anecdotes about lions

"Damn roaming!" Thought the lion at every phone call in the stomach.

The little boy says: - Tell me, why do lions eat only raw meat? "They can not cook," the older sister answers.

The trainer with a very large head made a number with a thrust of the head in the mouth deadly for the lion.

After a week's hunger strike, the lion finally admitted that the zoo guard is the king of the beasts.

There is a priest in the desert, and a lion is at the meeting. The priest begins to pray: - Lord, inspire these lion Christian thoughts. The lion kneels: - God, bless my food!

The latest news: - In the Dutch zoo, a lion ate a visitor and died of an overdose.

Circus. The arena is played by trained lions. One says to another: - Something the audience has bored. The cage is not high - let's cheer...

The lion collected all the animals and said: "Today we will eat the most cowardly." The hare runs out and yells: "I will not give a boar for offense!"

Today I heard on the radio that an adult lion needs 20 hours to rest every day. "I knew I was a grown-up lion!"

- Look, look! Your lion has attacked your mother-in-law!

"Did he attack himself?" Let him and get out...

The lion trainer was completely absorbed in his work.

Mature couple in the circus:

"What do you think, Elsa, what would this lion say if he could talk?"

I'm a leopard, Elsa - came from the arena.

The lion, the king of beasts, gathered the animals and said:

- Beautiful left, smart right.

The beasts were gone. One monkey remained. The lion asks:

- And why are not you going anywhere?

The monkey responds:

- And what should I rupture?

Anecdotes about bears

Anecdotes about bears

A man lost his way in the forest. It stands and yells: "Ay, ay, ay!"

Behind him, someone claps. Turns around - a bear.

Bear: "Man, why are you yelling?"

Man "Lost, maybe someone will hear."

Bear: "Well, I heard, it became easier for you?"

The old bear teaches the young:

"You have to attack a person so that he can see and react to you."

- What for?

"They're tastier then, there's no shit in them."

Two bears sit in a den and look thoughtfully at the falling leaves.

One says:

"How I wish I did not sleep in the winter to look at the fools who glue them back."

In the lair of a little bear asking the pope:

- Dad, shows the puppet theater!

Bear-daddy:

- Leave it!

"Well, Dad, show me the puppet theater!"

- Sleep, come on, it's too late!

- Well, Dad!

The bear-daddy goes to the corner of the den, takes out two human skulls, puts them on the front paws and says:

First skull: - You hear, John! And here bears are found?

Second skull: - Where does the bear come from?

The duck hunter, after a misfire, gets frustrated. Hunter for bears, after a misfire, does not have time to get upset.

When meeting a bear, you need to pretend to be dead. - The bear will understand that before him a complete moron, and will not get involved.

- Where have you been? - In the woods. - What did you do there? "I wanted to fight a mad bear." - What for? "To rest from domestic chores, dear."

You're no longer small to sleep with a teddy bear. Sleep with the present, be a man!

Few people know that "Au!" In translation into the language of bears means "Lunch".

Bear, who learned to scream "Ay!" never is hungry.

A hefty mechanical bear, revived by a touch, was supposed to attract people to the shopping center. And he created a huge line in the toilet.

Anecdotes about zombies Part 2

Anecdotes about zombies Part 2

If the zombie apocalypse started and my boss became a zombie, then to kill him, he would need to shoot an ass

And what will happen, for example, if a television that works urinates?
I do not know, but you'll outlive the zombie apocalypse at all.
What's this?
Because, my friend, YOU DO NOT HAVE BRAINS!

- Is sex with zombies necrophilia?
- Even though you are a zombie. If the fact that he is dead, then yes - necrophilia.
Well, but you never know, maybe you just like him, maybe he's a good man :)

Midnight. Morgue. The orderlies sit in the back room and drink official alcohol. In the section the poor student is on duty. Suddenly he flies into the back room with a green face:
"There ... There ..."
Alarmed orderlies:
- What?
"The dead man came to life there!"
- Oh, damn it! We really were afraid, thought the head doctor with a check.

One zombie at another asks:
-And what kind of ay-kyu do you have?
-When the brain drops out 40, and when I put back 150.

- Suppose, if there had come a zombie apocalypse and some of your acquaintances became zombies, would you decide to shoot them? - Some, I would shoot now!

Best anecdotes about zombies

Best anecdotes about zombies

As you know, many people are buried in strict suits. Therefore, if the zombie apocalypse does happen, it will be a serious event.

Morning coffee is the only thing that separates us from the zombie apocalypse.

Advice in case of a zombie apocalypse: Zombies can only be killed by an accurate shot to the head. Therefore, buy yourself a helmet in advance.

The optimist thinks that the zombie is half alive.

The first law of the zombie apocalypse: be a man, and you will be drawn.

Zombies are better than most people: 1) They have brains 2) They lived their lives 3) They know what they want from others

This awkward moment, when you realize that you have no plans for the future, but there is a plan for a zombie apocalypse

Still, how much depends on the place of action: - Risen in Jerusalem - Miracle; Resurrected in Hollywood - Zombies.

There are two zombies, catching a ride at night to the cemetery, all pass by. One to another: - No, John, so we just like the car no one will stop. - Why? "Your head should be on your shoulders, and you hold it under your arm."

You ask me how to distinguish a bad horror film from a good one? - Very simple! In a bad horror film, they scare the audience with broken glass, burnt corpses, sharp sounds and suddenly jumping out zombies. - And in good - a hedgehog creek softly into the frame and this can be crap!

The language of zombies

The language of zombies

Staggering the Internet in search of something interesting about zombies, I got to the LingvoForum. At which visitors decided to create a zombie language, which could be used not only to publish zombies of similar sounds, but also for communication (primitive but still).

As a result of their discussion, the following dictionary of zombie words turned out:

Eei - a living person / live / life
Eeiss - dead man / dying / death
Eess is a dead animal
Eeis - zombies
Eej - cut, cut
Ee is an animal (any)
Kk is a plant (any)
Eg - any technique / mechanics / instrument / transport
Gg - food / food
Bu - run / run / run away /
Bk - walking / walking / walking
Y - trap / catch / catch
Ee - a lot
Or - little

O - yesterday / long / before
G - tomorrow / after / later
Ry - today
Ryy - now
Yy - delicious / tasty / yummy
Ggi - hello / hello / bye / bye
Ag - name / name / entity
Yyi - to have / own property
As - good / good / kind / happy / joyful / positive / doing good
Ro - bad / bad / bad / unhappy / sad / negative / dirty
Ggas - satiety / full / pleasure / comfort
Ggro - hunger / hungry / poor health / discomfort
Yu - water / liquid / damp / wet
Ggyu - drink
Ggyuro - thirst / dehydration
Ar - ozheda (any) / shelter / wrapper / packing (any packaging is shorter)
Vv - and
Ok - yes / agree
Uv - contract / agreement
Ss - no / no ...
A - I
Ssi - you
Bb - he / she / it
Ae - we
Ab - we (together)
Ssie - you
Ssib - you (together)
Bbe - they
Bbb - they (together)
They also came up with the first song on the invented zombie language:

Eeis
Eeis
A yyi ag eeis
A yyi
A yyi
A yyi
A yyi ag eeis

Zombie zombie zombie

Man is a man's brother, but a zombie's zombie zombie.